My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it's like iHOP with fire
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
