Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
