I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Acid is not a monday night drug
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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