it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
