Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
