you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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