I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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