I wish I only lived at night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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