Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
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i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
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I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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