I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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