i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
