I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You took a bar mat shot.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
