I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
