hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
