Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
