WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
