and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
