Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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