Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
