She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
