Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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