it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
