since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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