By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
