I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
