Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
