did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
