I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
