it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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