We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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