Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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