Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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