Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You don't make any sense
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