my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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