how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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