i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
