and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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