I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
