Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
