And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
