cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
two words...techno handjob
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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