Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
