i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize