The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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