i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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