The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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