you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
