i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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