We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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