This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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