I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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