The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
