i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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