Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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