I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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