the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
