I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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