Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
